I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
