Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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