Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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