I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
