Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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