Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
