I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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