Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
