fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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