I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
