Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
