I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
