So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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