i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
