If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
