don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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