she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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