I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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