But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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