I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
