I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
