As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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