D3 body, D1 cock
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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