i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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