Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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