2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
In other news, I just burned my penis
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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