He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
