Im at strip club and am horny
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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