please come you make the beer taste better
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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