my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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