i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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