I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
