Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
