just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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