I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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