Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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