i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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