i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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