I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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