Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
a search helicopter?!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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