My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
