just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
