what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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