I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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