Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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