Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
