He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I looked at my own cervix.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
