I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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