Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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