Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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