At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
