did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
