Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
