come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
