Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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