I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
