she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
