remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
