My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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