No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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