I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We got so high we made milksteak
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize